internal feud

a few days time gap
living like a Hikikomori at the moment 8)
no really,i havent been feeling well since last week.so i'd rather stay at home than having to risk the whole class of sick people.though,all these days of being a shut in will surely come to an end.since im almost completely well by this moment,it's just too hard to get back up.
you see,these past few days people had been speaking my name.that's one thing i dont get.i was never too friendly to begin with,so I should be the least of their concern.no thank you.
one thing that bugs me,there are other people in a worser position than me.and pretty damn well they got away with things.why?just because they're having a stable educational and monetary feed so what,others dont get to worry if they end up screwing their papers?they still have a tube of support as a backbone.and it's a different story for me i presume.people see me as the guy who are purely uneducated,the one who're always wasting time with delusional fantasies,and not aware of my own future.
honestly people,learn to see things from others point of view.
I am about to complete my 12 years of compulsory education,and you're telling me i dont have the gist of my own future.

i started on painting studies,colour theories,industrial,concept,architectural,post and pre production for what?hobbies?over school study time?when i dont have a background in art.it was more than that,mind you.
i had a passion,and you called mine a waste of time.
would you not be offended,son,if you had a call on photography,and i call that a straight-up waste of your parent's money.implying that you were merely following the trend.im sure you would.

this is great.a two-in-one rage post.Le Fu~
that aside,im kinda sad actually.with my 3 score in A's being a less relevant to sitting in a science class.Ironically,pendidikan seni is one of them.
a month before spm and i'm regretting the fact that im a science student.just nice.
anyway my number of B's increased.there's hope there.the rest are pure science and math subjects.
funny how i used to have a huge passion on science.my only problem was the educational approach.
it made me hate them.
and how weak students are not given the chance to improve but rather,shunned and given cynical sarcasm over our own stupidity.never fails to make my heart ache everytime.
though i would never put the blame on educator.they worked hard enough.its a matter of how the students see things.
bein overly sensitive sucks.i wish to get rid of this as i grow up.

i ranked 16th on the last exam.but why do i feel so timid,so inferior compared to others below me?

i dont know if they feel the same,but the numbers doesnt worth a thing to me.i dont see the need of bragging on a higher rank number if your results are like crap.mine included.i hate the ranking system,why?because of competition.those above tend to look down on others,while those below are deemed to eat the spit of the higher ups.
competition makes you a better person?I beg to differ.I long for equalism.i wish for a bit of humbleness,in every person's heart.
would the world not be a better place then?

i should be getting back to school now.its hard to face the public.but its harder being a neet.
i just hope that people would be kind enough to not make an offensive remark over my absence.

inb4,i do study at home.in fact,more than i do at school.so worry no more.i am more than pleased,learning in my most comfortable surrounding.

homecoming

look at my previous post,now look here.how long has it been since i last wrote here.yes,almost a year without update.fortunately im alive and healthy along those period.its just that i didnt had the urge to feed anything here.things happens,let them pass.nope.i couldnt say that i was busy,nor losing my touch to write.everytime i tried to write,my mind would just float away in void.for instance,writing a crappy-as-possible forewords.when i couldnt think of anything,the cursor would just randomly floats on another tabs.then i'd forget what i was doing before;writing on my blog.the thoughts in my mind had always been the same every now and then.and its getting worse.it tends to let go of those minor little details and eventually forget.some calls it being carefree,i say its a nuisance.wait...not really the right word but how would you feel if your mind are easily occupied by other things when you are trying so hard to focus on a single subject?saying "its okay,you have a lot of time" constantly in your head.i guess its similar to attention deficit disorder,where you are not in control of your focus,always being occupied with your surroundings.my mind is that bad.i dont know which part of it is in defect.the thing is,im losing control of my focus.i couldnt keep track with my time.everything is in a mess.A MESS.

i may be calm on the outside,but its a whole different story inside.useless emotions are easilly stirred.oftenly getting worked up over a little thing.may that be the cause?is that why i couldnt think properly?would it not be better if i just forget those little things and move on.there,im letting go of things again.i really need to sort this out...

sometime i picture myself in point A,and whenever i had something to do i'd mark a point to B.
point A to B lies side-by-side,there isnt any gap in between them,nothing between me and my objective isnt it?
hell no,with my current condition,i could easily wanders to point WTFBBQZ.those are the distractions i had to deal with,every time.

you see this post is also going kelaut,an example right here.what a way to greet my blog.the point is,i didnt manage to write anything due to the said circumstances.stupid but true.i couldnt think properly.

along those time of my absence...a lot of stuff happens.from my first visit to Comic Fiesta to spending a week in Perak,representing the state of JOHOR to the National english drama competition.hahaha i know,the latter sounds completely impossible for a guy like me,but blimey.It happened.will be featured in the next post.
more things worth mentioning...crap ive already forgotten about them.reading my previous posts made me feels like 2010 was only yesterday.

speaking of previous post,ive noticed that i wrote some crap about my reasons on writing this blog.well the first part is true,but what the heck,screw the rest.i could've gotten myself a diary if that were the case.i believe i have the freedom to write whatever my mind expresses,and has the right to share.as long as i keep my butt safe from various 'ISA'(apart from the diminished one) wouldnt want to spread my useless ideology to the whole world.inb4 it would be called FAEZSM.looooool.

also my blog header is getting old lol.its soo irrelevant.so does my blog name.why didnt i think of something much cooler like the infamous freedom of association,mistisfile,blogserius or something along those line.harhar.
i can see some of my friends still updating their posts here,but not as frequent as they used to.some moved to tumblr,some just simply stopped.i still remember the time where blogger was like the shizz,everybody has them,everybody wants to express their few cents.and some ended up in the principal's office.told ya dawg,know your limit.when it comes to blogging,slandering and backstabbing statements are to be avoid.
meh,i made one long b4 anybody else back in livejournal.but only started posting craps here along with the others.
had a few readers.for the wrong reason i was being symphatized.maybe because of my style of writing that conveys inferiority in accordance to being humble.the mood is down most of the time,i could hardly write any upbeat joyful stuffs.so reading my blog is like reading a world war veteran's journal.wow bad metaphor,no wonder i screwed my BM.

thats about it for now.let this day be a mark for a constant update :d